“Lead, Kindly Light”

“Lead, Kindly Light”

One of the greatest lessons we can learn in this life is to trust in the Lord’s timing. We get so wrapped up into what we want, what we interpret as being the Plan for our own lives. If something goes wrong, we have the tendency to blame others, ourselves, and even God. We seek for any way to get back on course, to return to the path we charted for ourselves. As we all know, however, this doesn’t always work out. I’d even say that over 75% of the time, our lives don’t follow the elaborate plans we make in eighth grade.

This can often turn life into an endless roller coaster. We sometimes think we can only find happiness if we get everything we planned on, which means that the majority of the time we are lost in anxiety and frustration with the unknown! We easily forget that our Father in Heaven has a plan greater than our own, which will bring us more peace and joy and lasting happiness than we can even understand.

I am so grateful to have a loving Heavenly Father who knows what’s best for me, and can bless me beyond my own imagination. Though it is definitely hard, I know that there’s something here that He wants me to learn, and that He will indeed bless me and my family for being faithful.

We are always told that the greatest blessings can be ours “if we can but endure.” I’ve been struggling to understand what that means for me, and I read something by Elder Richard J Maynes from this past October General Conference that really struck me. He said, “Our ability to endure to the end in righteousness will be in direct proportion to the strength of our testimony and the depth of our conversion. ” If THAT is what enduring really means, then there really isn’t anything more important than growing in our testimony and understanding of our relationship with our Father in Heaven.

For those of you who don’t know (or those of you who do), about two and a half weeks ago, I was sent home from my mission. I had been facing many physical difficulties stemming from what we believe to be POTS, a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system. I’ve been struggling with this for several years, and believed it to be under control with proper diet, sleep, and exercise. But my breathing problems – which we now can see may have been worse because of the way my body works – never quite got figured out, and due to well-meaning but misguided medical advice and treatment on my mission, I was never quite able to recover.

I have regrettably spent the past 2 1/2 weeks trying to figure out why this happened. It’s really weird to be home, and it’s really hard to be taken out of the role I’ve been preparing my whole life to fill, especially when I felt like I wasn’t given a choice, or time to get used to the idea of coming home before they shipped me back. Though it’s untrue, I couldn’t help but feel as if I was unwanted, or defective in some way. I’ve always wanted to serve Heavenly Father the best way I could, and I honestly thought going on a mission was the right thing ( because it was!). I felt like I had failed somehow, that I wasn’t good enough.

But after much prayer and reflection, (not to mention detox from unnecessary overmedication) I have come to the realization that Heavenly Father knew that this would happen, and He is proud of me for working as hard as I could and genuinely LOVING being a missionary. He knows how much I love Him, and that I am valuable and important. Even though my plan included being set apart from the world for a much longer time, I can see now that there are ways to serve Him according to His plan. He knows me, and He knows how badly I’ve wanted to handle things in a way that is pleasing to Him. I can honestly say now, that I know there is a greater plan in store for me, one that I can’t quite see yet. But I know it’s there, and I have faith that the Master sees me as how I can be, and my desire to serve, rather than my physical limitations. I also know there’s something He needs me to do now that is different than any of my previously concocted plans.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am DEFINITELY a planner! I love to know what’s going on, and mentally trace the path I feel like my life is going to go. Of course this causes stress, especially when Heavenly Father’s plan is so different than I originally thought. But I know that whatever I do now, as long as I seek to do His will, it’s going to work out.

So for the many of you lovely people who want to ask the question, “So what’s next?” all I have to say is…

I have no idea.

But I DO know, that even though I’m not ‘on a mission’ in Las Vegas now, that I am still always called to serve my Heavenly Father, wherever I am. And I am more than okay with that. ❤

Called to Virtue,
Called to Serve.

Much love,

Kayla Ann

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